Avoid Assuming and Avoid Relationship Issues
Assuming – A Personal Story
We all want to avoid relationship issues. Additionally, all of us deserve to know we are loved and cared for. This knowledge helps to avoid relationship issues. It provides stability in a relationship. Equally important is not assuming you know why someone does something without finding out why. It can be too easy to make a wrong assumption and assume someone does something because they are trying to prove a point or get back at you for some other reason. A person can literally drive themselves insane trying to figure out other people’s motives. This by itself can create relationship issues.
The problem with assuming is that if you assume wrong, you can create all kinds of unnecessary hurt and pain for both of you resulting in relationship issues. It always pays to know.
Let me relate an experience from my own marriage. I come from a family where, after about the age of ten or so, birthdays were not a big deal. There were no more parties, presents, nothing. It was just another day of the week. It only meant you were a year older. I don’t think that my family did anything wrong. It was just how we did things.
My wife came from a family where birthdays were a big deal. They always had parties. She and her siblings were made to feel that birthdays were special, and they were all treated special on their birthdays. It was a big deal.
As you can imagine, this quickly became a source of conflict for my wife and I in the early days of our marriage. She wanted to make birthdays special for everyone. I thought she went way overboard and always spent too much money. It used to really get under my skin. I thought, or rather assumed, she was only doing this to impress her family. I thought it was totally unnecessary. I also thought the kids would never really remember and appreciate all of this anyway so why bother?
A funny thing happened though. After about five or six years of this, yes I was a hardheaded, stupid cuss about all of it, I started to ask some questions to try to understand. I found out she was not doing this for her parents and siblings to see. She had very good memories of feeling special as a child and of the love her parents had for her as she experienced these very special days. She wanted to make sure our children had these same fun memories of being loved and appreciated. Also, she could remember most of her birthdays as a child.
Because I was fighting her tooth and nail due to my assumptions about her motives, I had actually become the long pole in the tent. I was making it very hard for her, but in spite of my lack of support, she was determined to provide our children with these memories. I was creating relationship issues in my own marriage.
I have to admit that when the reality of how I had been acting hit home, I felt really bad. I had totally misjudged her motives for what she was doing. As I took time to watch the joy on the faces of my children as their mother made their birthdays special, I was truly humbled by it all. My children appreciated what their mother did for them over the years and still continues to do. They remember the parties at Chucky Cheese, or wherever we would have them.
They also appreciate the small things their mother has done for them to make them feel special, like hiding their Easter Baskets for them. Both of our children are in college now, and we still hide Easter Baskets for them. They still look forward to it after all these years, and they look forward to doing this for their children.
My children have these memories because they have a mother who cared for them in spite of a father who questioned his sweet wife’s motives in the beginning. This is why it is dangerous to assume. Too often what you assume is wrong because it is based upon on your frame of reference and not on someone else’s. That is why you have to know. That is why you have to find out before you rush to pass judgment. This way you avoid relationship issues.
The Key to Assumption Avoidance
Communication is the key to knowing. It will help you avoid relationship issues. It means asking questions. It means trying to understand where your spouse is coming from. Their upbringing and frame of reference will be different than your own. What was a big deal in their family may not have been important in yours. They may not have been taught certain things either, and so they have nothing to base your feelings on. This is why it is so important to know. Without knowing, a person can imagine all kinds of scenarios and conjure up all kinds of reasons why something appears to be the way it is. There will be times these assumptions will be flat out wrong.
You should be willing to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure what is going on. This means developing a habit of not rushing to pass judgment and assuming the worst. Nothing positive will come from it, so why do it and create relationship issues?
Why put yourself through all the drama associated with assuming the worst out of people? It does nothing but waste mental cycles that could be used for something much more positive.
You can start working on avoiding assumptions at home with your family. Work is another great place to start. In reality, you can start practicing this just about anywhere. So the question then becomes: “How do I avoid jumping to conclusions?” The answer is really simple. Just don’t do it. Remind yourself how you feel when people jump to conclusions about what you may or may not have done. It doesn’t feel that great, does it? Is there any reason why you shouldn’t then afford the same courtesy to your spouse? Avoiding assumptions will help you avoid relationship issues.
Every time your mind starts to wonder and wants to start theorizing about something someone may have done, remind yourself how you don’t know the truth just yet and then just get busy. Just find something else to do. Go read a book. Go work in the yard. The point is to do something to take your mind off it. If you are busy, you won’t have time to worry about the lesser things of the day.
You will be focused on what you are doing right there and then. Idle people have a tendency to worry more about what they think does and doesn’t happen. Just keep yourself busy and focused on something else.
Make it something positive in nature. Channel that energy into something you have been meaning to get done but haven’t. The benefit is two-fold. First, you get your mind off of assuming, and second, you get something done you have needed to get done. You will feel better about yourself.
When the opportunity arises to find out the meaning behind the meaning, you can now do so with an open mind and without any predispositions. You will find that the information-gathering process will go much easier and people will be less inclined to become defensive.
Enlightenment comes from knowing the truth about something. It can provide improvement in most cases, or at least let you know where you stand so improvement can be made. It is about knowing the truth for sure and not guessing. An assumption is nothing more than a guess most of the time. There is always a level of doubt, and it will never provide the security of knowing the truth about something.
The truth can literally set you free. Think about it for a minute. How can someone make improvements if they don’t know for sure where they are at a particular point in their life? They really can’t. It becomes very difficult. You can never leave on a journey and expect to get where you are going if you don’t know where you started out from. It is impossible. You will wander aimlessly and will probably never arrive at your final destination.
I can’t put into words how enlightened I felt when I finally understood my wife’s desire to make birthdays special for our children. My love for her grew immensely when I realized she was doing this out of love for them and to let them know they were special. She was doing this to let them know we were, and still are, grateful to be their parents. She also did this so our children would know we considered it a privilege as parents to make them feel special and know they are gifts from heaven to us.
It made me realize just how special this woman was who agreed to take me on as her lifetime service project. I learned it is sometimes better to just be quiet and be supportive. The knowledge of why will come over time.
Oneness with your spouse will come as you realize they are just doing the best they can with the life experiences they have had. This knowledge becomes liberating. It will free you from relationship issues.
It is a great feeling to know you are not subject to fears and insecurities because you know. The truth will free you from all of that. It will also allow you to see your spouse for who they really are. It will allow you to love and appreciate them for their own uniqueness. It is this uniqueness that allowed the two of you to fall in love.
Empower yourself! Avoid relationship issues! Resolve now to stop assuming and to know!
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